turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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