overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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