My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I can't turn off my feet"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
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