For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
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lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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