Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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