Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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