i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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