She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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