just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
