Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just cropdusted the office
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
