I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
