Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
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I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
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Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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