Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
