so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
