Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
