Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
