Ambien. No doubt about it.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
worst night to have a conscience
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
