Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
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Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
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she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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