Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just invented taco cereal.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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