I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
