I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
