How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
