Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
