I hate your face
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Watching her eat just hurts me
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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