i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
there is glitter all over my balls
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
