really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i've created a new STD.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
