Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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