Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
