God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
