we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
