you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
