I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
she looked like the before picture.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
