you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
