Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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