he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
