I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
