i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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