We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
