I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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