My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
