Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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