i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
