He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
