I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
