i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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