so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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