I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Randomize
