i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
