um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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