I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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