how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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