If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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