Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
