My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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