I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
