you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Can I color on your dick again?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
