I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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