I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
