i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
