After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
