Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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